Helloo blog..again. How I’ve missed you.
I took some time off from updating my blog. But after advisement from my Dad – I’ve decided to try dipping back into the much-missed ocean of words, again.
The written word has always been one of my most favorite means of expression. It was something, I thought I’d always have, too. Up until about 2 months ago, I had invisible restraints keeping me still and silent for quite a while. I was living in a world of secret thoughts and fear of saying anything…but now, Pinky has gotten her voice back and is going to town…
PINKY SPEAKS OUT
Quick briefing: For the past year, my 9-year relationship had not been on the best of terms. I had fallen out of love, and I had fallen out, fast. Even though, I felt better by telling him my feelings – giving him the information I told him was, in hind sight, probably more hurtful than helpful. The truthfulness affected both of us in a very powerful and terminal way. The distance between us grew further and further, until we were both lost in a downward whirlpool. We were drowning, never to return to the surface again. But not letting go, maybe for fear of going under alone, I’m not sure. Even though we held on tightly – the loneliness we both felt was staggering. During that year-long struggle, we could always both, sense the heaviness of our relationship, which was our existence.
We had both begun to feel the effects and tried to repair the remnants of our relationship. For him, the best way to handle the situation was to keep me under his thumb, as much as possible. In my case, I felt like something was eating away at every part of me, especially my soul. I was literally, torn apart in every way. I didn’t want to stay, but couldn’t live with leaving him with nothing. His daily pleas and building anger began to break down what had once been, my very strong determination and confidence to start a new life (without him). Under a heavy burden of guilt, I stayed longer than I should have. Perhaps staying by his side had established some sort of moral victory, I’m still not sure. I do know, it almost destroyed me and drove me into a world of silence and despair. But, I’m so happy and so thankful that this story has a happy ending.
Back to the story…
Throughout all of this, I had completely lost my voice. I was afraid to talk to anyone else about it and I couldn’t talk to him. I spent many sleepless nights debating over whether I should end it and how to do it. Ultimately, it came down to my Dad (and my brother) who I am forever grateful for — they helped me to find my way out of this overwhelmingly tragic relationship.
On April 18, ’14 I left Indiana and moved to Georgia. The decision to leave was a difficult one. I had to leave everything I had known for the past 9 years behind me. When I say ‘everything’, I mean, ‘everything’. I left with a bag that held enough clothes for a 9-day trip. I left my dogs, my babies. I had no other choice. I had to look boldly in the face of my fears and doubts and all of those fun things and keep right on going. Although, the decision was not easy to make – once, I made up my mind everything else just flowed and I knew I had made the right decision.
I couldn’t be happier about moving to Georgia and making this transition. I see a very bright future ahead of me. Now, I’m looking forward. I’m spending my time growing and accomplishing my goals. I’ll save my goals/plans for a later post. 🙂 Right now, I’m seeing the world and all of its treasures through brand spankin’ new eyes — and loving every glorious detail. I couldn’t be more grateful for this re-birth and a chance for a new life.